Jack

remember how that dear woman spoke those words over my heart that day? double blessing ? the lord will give you more than what  you asked for... 

you see i was bargaining with God - i wasn't trusting in his love and plans for me and for dan and for our family.. i told him over and over - just one baby from my womb please il never ask for nothing again.. so foolish!  so silly. why do we do that??? 

and my God looked at me and i like to imagine he shook his mighty head and said oh so silly.... don't you know i already have a plan... don't you know i want to give you so much? don't limit my love and grace....

ava was 8 weeks old when i found myself so dizzy and tired and just off- after a trip to the doc to maybe adjust my low dose of birth control pills... surprising news! pregnant !!!!!!! i have a hard time remembering that first trimester.... a blur really.. 

And something began to happen in my spirit as my belly grew (again! ) 

grace took in a new meaning for me-  my joy rose up and spilled over- 

dreamt of my son while he was in my womb- 

 saw him as a mighty man walking with confidence carry bags filled with maps and  compasses and he was holding a telescope and had another strapped on his back and i watched him throw back with his head laughing with joy and awe over the world around him:

dan and I spent an entire day walking around looking for new couches - the next morning on the way to target my water broke in my moms car/ drove home and called Dan on the way -" he said ok be home in an hour or so"!!!! I wanted him to hurry so that's what he did / we hurried up to wait..... 

Jacks labor was the most intense pain I've ever experienced- I had an unassisted ( until he crowned )natural birth and spent most of that time roaring like a lioness on my hands and knees-   the final push Dan held my legs and we both cried as our little boy wiggled his way up to nurse. 

i hemmoraged and had a tough time delivering the placenta but once we were all settled I could hear jack making little high pitched noises and made Dan search for an attending Doctor ignoring the nurses who said he was cooing- the nicu nurses ended up squeezing the air pump filling jacks lungs with air for 19 hours while they found an ambulance and spot for him at Boston Childrens/ both his lungs were collapses and were lacking any surfactant. He would have most likely slipped away during the night if dan and I had slept and not heard his "cooing". 

I was to weak to go but Dan followed our boy on his motorcycle and stayed with him until I was able to travel.  

Then we sat and watched him as he was Intubated and feeding through a tube for weeks.... 

today he runs and jumps and explores and swims.. he invents and questions and problem solves 

and I see that mighty man in him... I see him place high value on  rules and the environment - as he creates and invents. As he builds and protects. A justice keepr! 

magnificent grace.  

So undeserved. so freely given.

Littles Ones Speaking truth

My darlings love to play church..Their Papa is a pastor (Grampie too!) and they see him preach and they see him "fixing broken hearts" ( counseling people at the picnic table outside & in his office). They see me lead worship every Sunday and love to practice with the team on saturdays..

A will ask me - "are you doing it again mama? are you listening to the Lord?" when i start singing a new song in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. On sunday i asked E if she praised Jesus during church and she honestly said -" it was so long mama.. then you started singing more  and i thought oh no.. the Holy Spirit is gonna come down...."   

Happily hoping that the truth will follow them into adulthood .  

Ava

I was convinced Ava was a boy. at first - cause i had these glimpses and images of blue - of a fierce warrior- free and wild - - the day we found out she was a girl i was shocked! and then suddenly the picture from the Lord came into focus...

• Fiercely Brave: passionate, ardent, unrestrained, facing the world courageously
• Wild: growing untamed, extravagantly unconformed
• Sweet & Graceful: kind gracious - pleasing to Her God, elegant - free,  favored

* it was Palm Sunday, and I was laying in bed getting ready to get up and lead worship at church... my water broke! At 35 weeks along! i was running around calling the doctor and my parents &  dan was calmly sitting by the door waiting for me haha. we drove to the hospital in the rain- he even stopped form coffee!! and all i could hear beating in my ears and heart was "fierce and brave... warrior"

After laboring for 26 hours at the hospital and a failed epidural - with Dan cracking jokes about wiping my brow.. I laughed and pushed our first miracle into the world. She was a warrior from the beginning.. Dan held her for moments then she was whisked away to the nicu where she spent 3 long weeks learning to breathe outside air and suck. I didn't get to hold her for 3 days! But when i did- pure love washed over us. 

We named her AVA : "free like a bird" & I speak the words the Lord gave me over her everyday - "Fierce, Brave Warrior" and call her a sweet nickname to remind myself & her that warriors are also fragile and delicate and sweet. 

She loves to hear her birth story, especially that part where she came into the world cause i was laughing so hard....and as she finds her way - working out the quirks of her autism spectrum disorder - I see her confidence in who God calls her to be growing. And i see every year more and more how those words fit her so perfectly.

She's my girl in the dream with a bow and arrow- wild and free. 

 ( baby number 2 is next! story is only beginning - to be continued! )

*as always - un edited with a serious lack of regard for spelling - punctuation - capitalization and grammar sorry mom!  - most likely written on my phone in kindergarten pick up line)

Miracles.

I was challenged and inspired by a mighty woman to record my baby years, my miracle years... can't believe they are actually over! My darlings will be 7, 6 & 5  this summer... i have big kids!!!

Dan and i  got married in 2004 and almost instantly wanted to start a family- and prayerfully decided to leave all forms of birth control to the Lord!

6 yrs later my desire to get pregnant had taken over everything. We had two horrible, very difficult miscarriages and i look forward to meeting those sweet little lives one day in Glory. 

Shortly after my second & most physically difficult miscarriage, i got a  positive pregnancy test! i was terrified- but so hopeful. After  hearing our babes beautiful galloping heartbeat and being assured that all was well-  I truly knew what Mary was singing about in the book of Luke  when she sang "my soul magnifies the Lord for He has done great things in me ! "

My heart just overflowed with thankfulness to the Lord for this gift -  a woman at our church prayed over me and said the Lord whispered to her - "double blessing.. He will give you more than what you asked for.." .... i was so thankful to be carrying 1 baby - i didn't care about anything else- but that word proven itself later on ... 

I rarely dream- but my pregnancy nights were filled with the same dream over and over - and as my belly grew- my faith grew- i saw incredible pictures and promises of my family in the future- a girl on horseback- fearless- a girl with a bow and arrow - fierce, a boy with a spy glass and maps and inventions hanging from his belt and a girl with a harp - and sparkling laugh. i saw my husband walking without burdens - carrying a tree with roots. and my heart was so full.

My pregnancy with Ava was physically uneventful except for some mild concern about early labour - Dan learned how to give me weekly progesterone shots to stop contractions... she still arrived early!

 Emotionally and Spiritually, this time was so full- I remember feeling pregnant with baby and pregnant with possibility - being pregnant felt like the greatest treasure and was such a love song from my Heavenly Father. Every day I just felt Him saying -" I love you Stacie - i heard you and I love you " 

 ( but what did i know?? story was only beginning - to be continued! ) 

*as always - un edited with a serious lack of regard for spelling - punctuation - capitalization and grammar sorry mom!  - most likely written on my phone in kindergarten pick up line)