on the edge

This is my first blog post here at victory wild!  and believe me... i thought long and hard about what i wanted this very 1st post to be about and really i got nothing..except my now... so - heres my heart today. heres my now.

my Bluebird is 6. We delayed public kindergarten and had a wonderful glorious year of wild and free informal home schooling, but now its july, and its time. I was homeschooled. I want to homeschool. I never thought i wouldn't homeschool, yet here i am, preparing to send my 1st born, my sweet sensory girl, my imaginative- lay in the grass and dream of mermaids girl to the local public kindergarten.  

i don't want to do it. When i think of the first week of september I ache, physically feeling ill. sounds so dramatic...but so true. We are sending her to kindergarten because it time to try something new, her anxiety & sensory needs are high, and she seems to thrive with peers to watch, and learn from. But the number one reason she is going to school is because she wants to. Yes it  sounds silly.. but when your sensory girl, whose emotional/sensory needs keep her from so many things,  expresses a desire to do something so new and brave... You say yes. Even though i want my darlings home with me. Even though I'm scared. Even though she may fail. Even though i ache. Even though it will change our family. Even though I want to homeschool.  Even though i am disgruntled with the special ed department. She is brave, my bluebird is brave, so I will be too.  

I'm sitting on the porch. My littles are riding their horses (bicycles) and following a treasure map (dominos pizza menu). and my heart is crying out to my God. Suddenly His peace flows through me, and i remember His promises to me about my Bluebird. Before she was born He called her fierce warrior.. and her birth was miraculous..her health as a preemie was miraculous and His hand on her life and heart have been so evident.  And my good good Father shook my heart a bit and said - silly girl don't you know I am near? 

So today - as I write my 1st post here on victory wild...im on the edge.. the edge of falling into a dramatically low state of mind and heart.. but I am not going over.. I'm teetering but holding on. He is near! He is near! 

((and forgive and ignore the typos and capitalization errors. probably won't improve....:) ))

                                        James 4:8 ...He draws near...